Okay. After last week’s horrible ending on TAR8, where we bade farewell to the awesome Gaghan family and were stuck with the not-very-appealing and socially backward Weaver family in next-to-last place, I realized I Officially Just Don’t Care Who Wins. I’ll watch until the bitter end, but I won’t care very much (or scream encouragement and imprecations very much).
Tonight, for your reading pleasure, I am under way with two (2) glasses of Pinot Grigio safely stowed away, and may get into the Merlot if absolutely necessary (the Merlot was bought more for deglazing purposes than for actual drinkability). I shall attempt to blog along from home as I watch tonight’s episode (in futility: hello, producers, the Family Edition is NOT my Amazing Race!).
Paolo
Linzerfarts
Daddy-Daughter
Holier-Than-Y’all
Uh, oh, it’s a 2 hour special. Probably means a non-elim in the middle. God, I hate the mean Screaming Weavers. Sometimes I hate watching the recap at the beginning, because I get all sad if the team I liked got bounced. Which they did. Dammit.
Did I mention I hated the Weavers? And I loved the Gaghans? Meh.
Damn, five families remain… who did I forget in my ad-hoc listing? Um…OH! The Gabbleskis. Gabble gabble gabble gabble gabble, how could I forget the Pink Ladies?
The not-so-amazing Achievement from TAR7? Uchenna and Joyce almost missing out on winning the million freaking dollars because they had to run around begging for cash to pay their goddamn cab driver. And, of course, they both looked really good totally bald, even Joyce.
Paolos: 727am. Find Playa Maracas and swim to the buoy.
Marion: just stop talkking right now.
Linz: 728am. $310.00 for this leg of the race, holy cow! Playa!
Bransen: 729am. My dad is struggling. Wally’s gonna swim.
Uh, oh, Tony and Nick will swim. I know this won’t be good from the previews. Wally’s going to swim, too. Questions about whether Papa Tony can actually swim.
Rescue swimmers! Dad, don’t drown! Come on!
Linzes get away first to Iglesia de Metal for the next clue.
Wally gets the buoy clue 2nd.
Paolos divvy up Tony’s pack.
Everybody looks for phones.
Gabbleskis: 832am
“Gimme that.” “No I got it.” Sharon swims. “She’ll be bitchin, but she’ll do it.
Weavers: 9:00am. Boo! that’s you Rolly. It’s better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you’re not, says Stripey Hair Girl. YIKES! This is how they think you compete well in the world? Ack!
Rolly will go on faith. Ass. I don’t want him to escape this family after all, and by the way Thank you, Jesus.
The Gabbleskis show a lot of skin as they walk down the street in search of phones. They seem to get a van to arrive pretty quickly after finding a phone, so no footage of them flashing drivers and begging for a ride (this week, anyway).
Ah, dammit the Weavers manage to book a cab and yell a lot and cheer a lot.
Oh! There’s a funeral going on at the Metal Church! Oddly, no one is in Goth wear. The first families note that they can’t run or yell or be disrespectful, as a hearse and cortege pull up. They walk guietly up to the main door to get the clue from a young acolyte (in scarlet cassock and pure white surplice. I know this because I am Episco-Woman!)
Detour. Choose between Brush or Barrel.
Paint an oxcart following the pattern on one wheel to paint the other. In Barrel, they have to tractor a ton of sugar cane 6 miles, then search for a rum barrel in the warehouse for their clue. Whoa, I’d choose Brush, it’s a lot less physical and not as time consuming.
Teams debate choices. They also debate navigation.
Gabbleskis gabble.
Weavers cheer insincerely for their drivers.
Paolos do Barrel.
Linzes do Barrel.
They have to load raw cane on these little carts behind the tractors.
Bransens: goinig in circles. Driver (female) is lost. They’re back at the Metal Church. They should probably go for the closer detour choice, if they’ve wasted as much time as it appears.
Ads. Ah my favorite: “It’s time to pull over when our children start screaming! She needs a diaper change! She needs to go potty!” Thank you, BP!
I may need some more wine here, this is going to be a looong episode. Oh, and the fact that there’s so much cash is probably evidence that they’ll be going out of the country again, and/or riding a train or an overnight bus. That’s way more than you’d need for taxi fares and admission fees.
Okay, back. Bransens still lost. Driver is asking for directions. OH DAMMIT a weather alert. I don’t freaking CARE if there’s a tornado.
Paolos struggle with cane.
Gabbleskis get the clue at the Metal Church.
Bransens arrive at the paint the cart activity. They’re really colorful. Daddy Daughter discusses what they’re supposed to do and complain that it’ll take a long time. Stop whining, you could be suffering from Sugar Cane Splinter Syndrome (though you’re missing out on fresh rum samples after).
Weavers get their clue. The Devil does not come out of the church. They decide to do Brush because it’s monotonous and not strengthy.
Paolos and Linzes stack cane. They sweat and screech.
Linzes take off first. Paolos recriminate.
Bransens paint as fast as they can. This will be riveting when they’re watching their handiwork dry, won’t it?
Gabbleskis arrive at Brush facility. They boss each other around.
Paolos stack cane and argue. They take off, singing in Spanish, at least Tony does because he knows he words and he’s awesome.
Weavers arrive, awkwardly at Brush. They immmediately start freaking out, but they acknowledge Wally’s greeting, for a wonder. The tension is palpable.
Linzes get to the rum room. Ooops! Thousands of barrels, and they have to find the marked ones and use tools to open them up to get the clue. Here’s a clue: all they have to do is pull out the cork, not disassemble. Geniuses. Megan, of course, figures it out.
SHIT!!!! They’re flying to fucking PHOENIX, ARIZONA. LAME!!!!
Paolos arrive at the Rum Room. They freak out for a while finding the marked barrels. Of course, Tony immediately pulls out the cork with the clue. Marion, bless her heart, says “What the hell are we going to Phoenix, Arizona for? I wanna go to New Zealand!” Hee, she probably wants to do the Hamsterballs. Nekkid. With Phil.
Bransens suffer for their art and won’t worry about Wally. They get the PHX clue. And they say Hokey and Pokey are behind them.
Fuck! The Weavers finish before the Gabbleskis. Because they did a sloppy, crappy job, while the Gabbleskis were actually trying to duplicate the plan.
Linz: Airport first. they think they need to get on Delta tomorrow morning. Not enough rooms for the Paolos, who arrive next. Marion thinks the boys screwed the deal up by being mouthy.
Linzes get on flight 1. Paolos go for Taca.
Bransens mention they need to go for Taca, too as they arrive. I sense that the fricking clue for PHX gave them the schedules. &!%(#%& spoonfeed travel information really irks me, when I think of how previous Racers were so good at working the airports and figuring out better routings (hello, Bald Snark and also Colin).
Weavers arrive. Dammit. They start shouting about catching up to “The Cleavers! The Cleavers!” “Over my dead body, that teams not gonna win,” says one of the Paolos.
Paolos book a Taca flight that gets in at 920am the next morning. So does Bransen. Tony finds out the Weavers also get on Taca, and outbursts “sonnovaBITCH!” He’s not happy.
Oh, my GOD the Gabbleskis are still painting!
Oh, the Weavers start yelling at DJ Paolo for Yielding them. They gasp in shock as he explains, reluctantly and literally cornered, that they were trying to knock the Weavers out. And then that lying hypocrite Linda says “We like you. We’ve been nothing but friendly to you.” Um, remember the mean things you and your kids said at the Yield mat about the Paolos and their garbage truck? You didn’t correct your son when he called either DJ or Paolo a “retard.” Jeez, and I thought I hated previous Racers… this Weaver lady really goes to the head of the class. Oh. My. God.
Then Linda or Rachel or whatever Ma Weaver’s name is says “Well, you don’t have any Yields left and we do, sweets.” So that’s how you show compassion and forbearance: get back at the people who hurt you, and get revenge, and screw them over. Reminds me of some political figures I’ve been reading about, too.
Oh, and the Gabbleskis are discussing getting on the same Taca flight. Which, supposedly, gets on the ground 10 minutes earlier than the Delta SJO-ATL-PHX flight does, but it goes SJO-NYC-PHX.
Meanwhile, we’re suppposed to get “tornadic thunderstorms” here tonight, and the rain is coming down in really odd bursts.
The Gabbleskis seem to have no problems getting tickets. They’re all on Flight 2.
Linzes hunker down in ATL. Harrump!
Everyone else arrives in New York. The Gabbleskis don’t seem to have a reservation from the TACA agent, though they have tickets. They were supposedly booked straight through on America West (HP) but something must have gone wrong. In the travel biz, it happens. I usually try to laugh it off and say “the system barfed” and do whatever I can to make it work.
Ads. Hm. I own a Verizon type phone. Can you read me now?
okay. Gabbleskis are crying at the counter. They decide to rush over to Newark to get on an available HP flight from there. They must have been at JFK or EWR. The other families wonder what’s going on. They get there with no problem and get booked on the next morning’s flight. Which actually departs before the others, which is weird. But they all arrive at the same time.
Amazing Red, Orange, and Yellow Lines! yay!!!!
Okay, Phil kicks in(where have you been, Phil, we missed you?) and while a camera does a majestic flyover of Monument Valley, explains that they have to get to a go-kart track, driving frickin’ spoon-fed black SUVs. I think for a moment that the suckitude of this season has just been surpassed yet again, then brighten at the thought of the nasty, mean, and untrusty Weavers having to deal with yet another racetrack-themed task. This should be a Roadblock. Oh, take it, Ma Weaver, take it and drive off into the sunset, abandoning your progeny, as you obviously wanted to do last week.
Hmmm, the Colorado River looks like it’s been dyed green for St Patrick’s Day.
Amazingly, the Gabbleskis arrive first. They got in 45 minutes early and are delighted to see the black SUVs. HOWEVER, it’s “hotter than snot.” They get directions for the go-kart skool. They’re first. They’re delighted and they’re smart women.
Bransons, Weavers, Paolos, arrive. Ironically, Linzes are last due to being on Delta, the airline of unxepected suckitude.
linda Weaver thanks Jesus again for getting her on to the I-10.
The Linzes are going be sad when they see how few cars are left. They’re last. Or, they were, because the Paolos are wandering around aimlessly on the parking garage roof. Recriminations ensue. It’s all DJ’s fault. Gee, they’re happy attitude sure evaporated.
Gabbleskis scream at the cluebox RIGHT HERE! and they find they have to drive 50 frickin laps on the go-kart. Michelle will take it.
Bransens complain about how Arizona is all brown.
Oh, my GOD. One of the Weaver kids just asked “What state are we in again?” This family has got to be the most geographically challenged ever. Who let them on my race? Was there no selection process for people with ability, or was it just “hey, this family is so weird, everyone will automatically hate them and we’ll have our on-screen conflict sewn up tight as a tick.”
I hope they start crying when they get to the racegtrack. Thank you Lord. Linda declares that if this is the kind of thing where you drive the car around, she’s going to do it. My husband was killed, so I need someone to be very compassionate for me. The kids start crying. Yay!!!!! Yay!!! The girls’ worst nightmare is happening!
Wally drives. Michelle Gabbleski drives. Linda drives really slowly. Thank you Jesus.
Linzes finally arrive. They’re surprised to find they’re fourth. Paolos are, predictably, still behind them.
Michelle is on Lap 31. Wally’s on Lap 8. Linda’s getting LAPPED!!!!
The Gabbleskis try to comfort the Weaver kids by telling them their dad would be proud of them and that he was watching them. Which, as a comforting thought, is not too bad, and it was certainly sincere, at least coming from the one Pink Lady (the curmudgeonlhy one wasn’t feeling the love for the poor widder lady and her orphan kids, no matter what the story was). IMMEDIATELY afterwards, Stripey Hair says “I hate the Desperate Housewives. They’re just so annoying. And they lie.”
Oh. My. GOD the haaaaaaaate I feel is not right.
Tommy Linz flies around really fast, because he’s only a buck-fifty, weightwise.
Michelle is on lap 38. Wally’s still only on lap 9.
Paolos finally find the racetrack thing.
Michelle: 46 laps.
Wally: 20 laps and falling behind.
DJ starts driving.
Wally takes a mandatory pit stop (for real) for water.
Michelle completes! Woo! WEEEEEEE
Drive yourself 32 to Fort McDowell to the next Pit Stop, on tribal land.
Gabbleskis get a map from a nice man. They squabble about the route already. Maybe they’ll take the wrong exit.
Collision!! Somebody hits Linda Weaver. The girls scream. Commmercial. But you can see from the footage that it’s really a little tap. On Linda’s lap 24, so she gets a pit stop right away to shake it off (and maybe freak out a little and threaten to quit, I hope I hope).
God, another hour to go of this shit, with at least one non-elim leg. The expected next non-elim would logically be on this first leg of a two hour episode, but maybe they’ll do the changeup thing and eliminate someone, then non-elim the fourth place team at the end of the second hour.
Ma Weaver wants to throw up. So do I, but she keeps racing.
Linz boy pulls in for his pit stop soon after. He’s really catching up to Linda, which is totally fine by me, and now she’ll be shakier than ever in the turns.
Gabbles: realize they were going the wrong way, when the perky one said they should take one second to look at the map before she was overruled.
Wally finishes lap 50 finally. They get clued. Except Wally’s clueless about directions now.
Linda finishes. Shit. And she’s good at navigating from the back seeat.
Tommy Linz finishes. Bronx is still on the track. They locate the Pit Stop on the map.
DJ has 10 laps to go, he’s finally figured out how to drive fast.
Weavers trashtalk the Linz boy that tapped her and make disparaging remarks about the Cleavers. Linzes fart around.
Bransens stop at a hotel and sort of get directions. Wally wants to use a phone and melts down in the car as they drag him back on to the highway. He’s practically crying in frustration.
Paolos finish and get clued. Brian knows where it is on the map. yeah, right, this team can’t navigate.
Gabbles spot the sign.
Weavers spot the Linzes and spot the sign, too. Dammit.
Linzes make the turn. Everyone is going to race to the mat.
They all wander around looking for the mat.
Gabbles in first place. Actually, they’re decent racers. I have to say that. They win a trip to Belize for 4. Who will 2 of them go with? Oooh, the lodge at Chah Creek. I booked some people there. I always thought it would be a good place for a REAL Tar Pit Stop.
Dammit. Weavers are team number Two. Dammit. Dammit. sonovaBITCH.
Linz: Team 3 High fives.
Paolos argue about 87 North, which is the right road.
Bransens stop at a liquor mart. You need to turn around to 87 North.
Paolos spot the sign and make the turn. They are unable to count to five, because they see 3 cars and think they are the last team to arrive!!! That is hilarious.
Bransens spot sign and make turn.
OH MY GOD! The Paolos, convinced they’re last and it’s a non-elim, are putting on their extra clothes. They’re literally going to be caught with their pants down, as Marion is struck with the giggles while she tries to put on extra pairs of panties or shorts on.
Bransens arrive! There’s another team! Go go go go go go!
The Paolos arrive, laughing. You look ridiculous. You are team number 4. They all have tighty whities on! They tell the Bransens to put extra clothes on before they step on the mat.
Bransens: crying. Last team to arrive. Pleased to tell you this is a nonelimination. They get mugged, but at least they’ve got their extra underwear!!!
Hour 2: Phil narrates the Yavapai Pit Stop location.
Second of “several” predetermined nonelimination legs. Nine, twelve, two, several!
Gabbleskis arrived 1143am. Depart 1143pm
Drive 33 miles to Mesa to Fighter Combat International. Oooh! But, I sense a megabunch overnight. And remember, there’s no more little kids.
Weavers: 1148pm. Dammit. They don’t like us because we’re different from them.
Linzes: 1151PM. They’re happy they’re in Arizona. Rattlesnakes!
Paolo: 1206AM The pressure’s on all the time, says Ma Marion. $73.00
Bransen: 1214AM. They take off with their shopping bags full of winter clothes. They’re going to beg at the casino down the road.
Gabbles squabble and start arguing about the map.
Weavers snot snottily in their snotmobile.
Linzes get pulled over by the staties. “We don’t stop in the road to talk to friends.” Heee!!
Paolos look confused. 15 miles, or 50? Not sure. They argue. What are you, nuts?
Bransens hop out at the casino. They approach some random people in the parking lot. Wally notes it doesn’t hurt to be cute young and female, so he keeps a nice distance. Watchfully.
Weavers. Dammit!! They get to the fcuking clue box and pull number 1!!
Ooh, lightning in the desert.
Linzes arrive 2. Weavers don’t tell them where the order-of-arrival numbered tickets are – they’re on the door of the airport, which of course is locked up for the night. There’s a little exchange between them:
Linz boy: How’d you guys know it was here?” (this is after he found it)
Weaver: We’re smart.
Another Linz boy, under his breath: “Naah.”
The Weavers don’t want arriving teams to see them and where the tickets are. The Gabbles arrive, and then the Paolos. Only Bransens remain, and they are 5.
the next morning at 430am, they go in and get the clue.
Who’s got the need for speed? FLYING a LOOP de LOOP!!
It’s a Roadblock, where you have to declare your intention to do it before you know exactly what you’re doing.
Rolly takes it, so does Megan and Sharon. Ooh, Flying Tiger decals!
They take off in formation. That’s pretty cool, actually.
Rolly’s plane goes through its aerobatics.
Sharon’s all riiiight!! Whoa, a controlled stall.
Lots of inversions.
Rolly’s first attempt. He succeeds.
Sharon’s attempt. Man, she did it! This is really a thrill for her.
Megan: Air Biscuit, her brothers call her. She goes over and succeeds!
Brian’s waiting for his turn and he looks a little worried back at the flight deck. The Linz boys kid him about getting that joystick between his legs. Remember, as of last week he and… probably Rolly are the youngest Racers left. He walks tensly to the flight line, and hugs a Bransen girl, who says “we’re going to go flying.”
Ack, Weavers get clued and they’re going to Lipan Point at the Grand Canyon. That’s not that far away, they’re in northern Arizona.
Weavers look a little confused, I hope.
Megan Linz is high on life and they get a route. No problem.
Gabbleskis are in the car and on their way.
Brian: looks tense.
Lauren: looks tense
Brian pulled too many G’s and didn’t make the parameters, he pulled back too hard on the stick and didn’t complete on the first try. Actually, they’re lucky he didn’t pass out, but now it’s Lauren’s turn to try to loop-de-loop. Frankly, his intercom isn’t working too well and he may not have heard his instructor.
Paolos begin ground-based recriminations.
Only 45 minutes to go until the next elimination, so I really think the Paolos aren’t quite dead yet.
Lauren Bransen makes her first attempt
Brian completes his second attempt and says a heartfelt and sincere “Thank you, God.”
Lauren must have goofed hers up or not stayed straight, she has to take a second attempt. And we have a severe storm warning on screen. Remember, it’s not really a TAR Tuesday unless we have a weather warning!
Lauren completes. Everyone is very happy. They clue up and skedaddle.
Paolos argue about whether to stop and call with the Bransens, or go to the Grand Canyon and see what happens. Okay, as an old Grand Canyon hand (I first went when I was twelve) I can tell you that there’s a South Rim, and a North Rim, and I think Lapin Point is on the South Rim… and once you get to the park, you pretty much drive along until you get to Lapin Point. Because it’s a rim. Now, it may be that where the access highway comes in is in the middle of the Rim drive, but it’s well signed AND you’re handed a frickin’ park map as you enter, so nobody should be stopping for directions to frickin’ Lapin Park, see? Stupid Midwesterners and Easterners. Don’t they have National Parks in their area? In the case of the Gabbleskis and the Bransens: No, they do not, because Illinois is completely lacking in scenic and natural beauty, or only has it in modest measure.
Okay, break over. Back into the shit.
Gabbles. Weavers grumble about Desperate Housewives, they wave fakely from their car and throw apples out the window at their car. And laugh, because littering is just so funny.
HAAAAAAAAAaaaaaate. They are littering one of the most beautiful states in the Union. What state was that? Arizona. Bastards. I really, really loathe them now with every fibre of my being.
Linzes fart around, hoping they get to ride some donkeys.
Bransens stupidly stop for directions!!
Paolos map it.
Weavers complain that the vehicle fee to enter the park is $20. Then Blondie says “Let’s tell the person we pay the fee to to give the next car a complete history lesson.” They clamor for the right to pull this shoddy play, but Ma Weaver overrules them… “Oh, no…I will!” Man, she’s geographically clueless and a dirty rotten cheater, too. So childish.
Ma Weaver actually tells the park ranger to tell them all about the park. Linzes pull up and the guy says “Boy, they’re talking a whole lot of smack about this vehicle behind ’em.” He had their number! I love me some ranger! Linzes say “now we have a reason to Yield ’em.”
Yeah.
Weavers arrive at the clue box on the rim, guarded by a watchful ranger. Hey, they have to drive to Page to Glen Canyon Dam. Damn! I’ve been there!
Linzes wish they’d have blocked the Weavers in. The Weavers note that the Linzes play dirty. Gee, wonder why?
Gabbleskis finally arrive, in third. They look for a second.
Bransens: one says “Holy crap-ola, there’s your money shot.” Wow, how does she know about those? Been in a Cleavers Gone Wild video? Remember, they started out with no money, but they appear to have plenty of cash now.
Paolos finally arrive. They’re stuck in a traffic jam.
Bransens are at the Rim and get clued. They suck it in quickly and go.
Paolos arrive at clue box last. They admire, carefully, and go.
Weavers drive fast to the Glen Canyon Dam.
Linzes know they’re coming up fast on their tails, with a Detour ahead. “Ding, dong, the witch is dead.” Boy, she’s really endeared herself to everyone.
Gabbles gabble. The excitable one claps her hands.
Linz
Gabbleski
Weavers need a rest room first. How’d they screw that order up?
They all walk out on the dam. No running. hey, I see the bridge I drove across. They get to the cluebox for the detour. Bearing: raft with compass coordinates with 3 locations. It’s a task for smart people.
Bailing: They raft to a submerged boat and bail it out and carry it across a line in the sand.
Linzes and Gabbles decide to bail. This is the task for not-smart people, but actually it’s the smart choice, because the other one is too easy to screw up.
As the Linzes leave the clue box, they pass the Weavers in a narrow walkway. There is some sort of exchange between them. Oh, my God, the Weavers wonder, why are they so rude to us? Well, let’s see: because you are not only standoffish and rude to other teams, and throw garbage at them, you call their kids “retards” and make fun of the way they look. And you’re perfect? Right, that’s why everyone in the world is so rude to them.
And they say “Desperate Housewives are SO RUDE.” as they pass.
Rafting. It’s pretty. Gabbles are enjoying the moment.
Oh, GOOD! The Weavers chose the “smart people” navigating detour. Which looks like it’ll be more time consuming. Yay.
Bransens driving.
Paolos? They’re still stuck in traffic somehow. They took a wrong turn and realized they were headed the wrong way all that time.
Linzes spot the submerged boats and start bailing. It looks like a fun task for a hot day. Gabbles arrive and start bailing. Water fun ensues.
Weavers looking for their second waypoint and get their next bearing. Remember, there’s a color coded element, they have to just do green markers.
Paolos look worried.
Bailers bail. Water fight!
Linzes complete!
Pit stop is at FRICKING LAKE POWELL – Antelope Point. Man, this is where Tim and Frank have their boat sometimes!
Linzes cheer themselves because they’ve just realized their done and the Weavers aren’t.
Weavers go for their third waypoint.
Bransens discuss their liability (Wally) while they decide to bail.
Gabbleskis aren’t strong enough to tip the boat over. Weavers arrive for their clue. Dammit!!
Gabbleskis tip the boat and now they have their clue.
Bransens raft.
Linzes are sure they’re in first place. Weavers want to beat them to the mat. Why? Because they hate them. Linzes cheer on the arriving Bransens. Paolos are finally arriving at the dam.
Everybody hops into cars. Gabbles passed the turnoff already.
Bransens arrive at the boat and start bailing. Paolos note teams going past them in the opposite direction, so they know they’re way behind. Linzes navigate competently. Ma Weaver has doubts about the route and there’s a HORRIfYING closeup of her. They’re about to miss their turnoff at 98. Which they do miss. They get directions. So the Gabbles have passed them.
Paolos decide to bail. Not a good choice, but probably safer than trying to navigate. Bransens complete. The Paolos spot them coming away from the task. Paolos sqabble and bail. I can drown you here and no one would find your body. Bransens stop for directions again and we don’t understand the map.
Paolos bail. Oh, my God. They argue about how to bail. Tony says “SonuvaBITCH” for about the fifth or sixth time in this episode. DJ, naturally, is having a hissy fit about doing it the right way, which may or may not be the most productive or efficient way.
15 minutes to go. Somebody’s going home, unless the producers in their infinite cruelty stick us viewers with a double-leg, double non-elim 2-hour fakeout. Because, after all, there are still several weeks to go in the season and they’d be down to the final four a little quick, but we’ll see.
Paolos: DJ looks like he’s gonna cry like a little baby. They sadly try to squabble in an encouraging manner.
Antelope Point: every chases off to the ramp, but… no marked boats. They stop for a clue read: follow the marked path. They’re very embarassed, the Linzes. They arrive at some outboard boats. They’re not very user friendly and the Linzes immediately foul their motor.
Gabbleskis arrive. Linzes think they’ll take forever to figure out the motor. One of them knows how to do this…
Weavers arrive at the Point.
Bransens know it’s a race between them and the Paolos.
Linzes have got their Mercury Evinrudes opened all the way up. Gabbleskis gain on them because they’re lighter. There is actual good natured racing. Phil, where are you???? Ah, there he is, with a native son: a blond teenage kid.
Gabbleskis: Number ONE! Man, they win again – they win a travel trailer. They look vaguely thrilled.
Linz: second. Grrr! Burn! Beat out by the Pink Ladies. Maybe they’ll be nice and treat us to their prizes after, the boys speckilate. Harrump! The Secret May to December Love of Random Linzes and Godlewskis!
Honestly, what does this “Harrump” or “aaaaarrrrghump” noise mean, Linzes? It’s vaguely like the growling sound Tim the Toolman Taylor used to make.
GOD, it looks like the Weavers will come in third unless there’s a miracle. It’s looking more and more like they make it to the final three, because Linda is actually a good backseat navigator. It’s when she doesn’t have a map and can’t see the objective that she goes all doubtful and helpless.
Phil and the lake boy wait for the Weavers. The mood in their boat is glum, because they didn’t beat the Linzes the way they wanted to, and they definitely got skunked by the hated Desperate Housewives, though they may not know that yet. They are greeted by Phil and told they’re team number Three, and I swear their response is a grumpy “Thank you.” “Yeah.”
Time for some Phil admonishment: “you’re standing at the mat, but you don’t look happy.” I am somewhat distracted, because I’m looking at the rocks and wondering if Tim and Frank’s boat has ever been in that particular cove. The Weavers complain about “those people are just classless.” They whine and start crying about getting ganged up on and they’re the only team trying to live a good Christian life OH my GOD, oh my GOD, the hypocrisy and self-delusion of this team is raising my blood pressure several points just listening to them.
They throw garbage at people on the highway, and complain about getting the cold shoulder and being “totally alone in this?” God.
Bransens. Some screaming and scrambling. Wally can’t get the boat to go fast because his big fat butt is slowing them down. Paolos start to catch up. Marion hollers “we’re coming, Phil” while Wally tinkers with the enjine.
Woops! Bransens arrive in fourth place! Wily editors.
Paolos call each other idiots. DJ starts screaming at his father for not steering. They can’t even get out of their boat without arguing. I don’t understand what the problem is. Apparently Tony went the wrong way. They’re the last team and they’re eliminated.
Tony tries to say they had a ball,in spite of the yelling and screaming Phil notes is part of their family dynamic. DJ pretends to be a real human boy at the mat where seconds before he was screaming at both of his parents for their incompetence. Tony tries to make it all sound sentimental and wonderful, but what we don’t see is the production assistant just off camera, ready to hand them vouchers for four at the Garden State Family Services Anger Management Spa and Hotel. Reservations available anytime.
Holy crap, we’re down to the final four for… how many more weeks???