Atheists Can Now Watch Movies At Home

David ran across this classic example of a sign or notice in “Engrish,” a mistranslation from Japanese to English:

liberaldvd.jpg

It’s supposed to be “region free.” At least unbelievers can now watch anything they like without fear of being proselytized. I really hate that, and I’m a believer. Can’t imagine how annoying it must be for an infidel.

Anyway, this notice is almost as good as the sign I saw in Nara, Japan near the famous garden park there, directing residents and tourists to the nearby “Pubic Library.”

I was impressed, “library” is really hard to spell.

I took a picture, but it’s just a snapshot from the olden days, and probably would not scan well.

Bold New Pledge Drive Ploy

Peter Sagal, host of news quiz show NPR : Wait Wait… Dont Tell Me has written a new book that’s being offered as a premium on pledges of $120.00 per month. Sagal is hosting this morning’s pledge drive, and with his quick wit, it actually is fun listening to WBEZ begging for fundage. Actually, as stations go, BEZ does a pretty good job of making pledge drives endurable; they shorten them by a day or so by running a promotional drive at the beginning with crazy big goals – if they reach the goals, they cut the length of the drive.

This morning’s drive will probably be pretty successful; Sagal’s book is called The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How to Do Them) and in an extended interview he taped with Scott Simon, he described some activities he researched, such as private establishments where people swap partners… and also how he checked out strip clubs in the company of a posse of female sociologists.

As one of the other pledge drive announcers noted drily, they’ve already had over 50 calls during this morning’s campaign. I’m thinking they’ll do even better during Car Talk and WWDTM…

David and I had a lively discussion as to whether Peter is likely to suffer any backlash from that segment of the populace that has an over-developed righteousness bone, yet lacks a funny bone. I mentioned a post I’d seen lately about how impossible it is for people to talk across a religious divide, because they have completely different frames of reference that often don’t overlap.

Actually, we’re thinking The Book of Vice might make a great gift for someone…

The Pirate Nicene Creed

It’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day! I’m not sure I believe this… but I certainly believe the following:

Pirate Eucharist.indd

The Nicene Creed
We believe in one God, the Almighty Admiral,
Maker o’ heaven and ‘arth,
and o’ all things natural and ghostly.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
T’only Son o’ God, says I, eternally begotten ‘o the Admiral,
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, nar made, ‘o one Bein’wi’ the Father.
Through him all things t’were made.
Far us and far arr salvation
he opened the hatch o’ heav’n
and dropped into the hold:
by the pow’r ‘o the Holy Ghost
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made a swabbie.
Fer arr sake he was keel-hauled by that the scurvy dog,
Pontius Pilate;
and was sent t’ Davy Jones’ locker.
On the third day he came back in accardance with the book;
he ascended into heaven
and be seated at the right hand ‘o the Admiral.
He will come again in glory t’judge the living and the dead,
and his kingdom will ha’e no end.
Avast then!
We believe in the Holy Ghost, the Lord, the giver ‘o life,
who proceeds from the Admiral and the Cap’n.
With them two, he be worshiped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one dunkin’ far the forgiveness ‘o sins.
We look far the resurrection ‘o the dead,
and the life o’ the world t’come.
So says one, so says us all. Aye aye

[tags]Anglican, Episcopal, pirates, Nicene Creed, arrr![/tags]

LOLcats invade website: No News Is Not Good News

I went to check the Maui News site for any report on whatever was going on in South Kihei last night – at least 7 or 8 patrol cars screamed past with sirens and lights and all. Someone at the condo explained it was probably a “local fracas” at a beach park south of town.

When I checked the site, I wondered if LOLcats are either running their server, or hacking it: they can has website probz.

SiteMechanics Lite Engine been not initializes yet!
[tags]Funny error message, 404 Not Found[/tags]

Chuck is AWEsome!

On our flight to Maui, we watched the premiere of “Chuck,” which doesn’t actually start until September 24. I suppose this is a marketing ploy to get “buzz” going, and I’m actually okay with getting suckered and blogging about it. Why? Because “Chuck” is funny and smart and has a great cast that really clicks, and because we laughed… we laughed a LOT, in that way that can only rendered by “OMG LOL.”  Chuck is played by Zachary Levi. The end of the episode had a “zing!” comic turn that made us make the “BWAAAAAA!!” noise. It’s almost, almost, worth a w00t! or two. There were a lot of “geek chic” references that were sly enough not to be cloying or pandering to the “nerd herd” that is clearly this show’s target audience.

SCI FI Wire | The News Service of the SCI FI Channel | SCIFI.COM

Chuck stars Levi as an ordinary guy who works for the “Nerd Herd,” a team of tech-support clerks at a big-box retail store inspired by Best Buy’s Geek Squad. He becomes involved in the world of international espionage when a former college buddy e-mails him a computer program that downloads the entire national intelligence database directly into his brain.Chuck premieres Sept. 24 and will air Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT. (NBC is owned by NBC Universal, which also owns SCIFI.COM.)

HOWTO Successfully Counter-Protest NeoNazis (and seriously piss them off)

Damn, I laughed so hard at this, I might need a new chair. Via the ever-excellent Hullabaloo:

wifepower.jpg

“White Power!” the Nazi’s shouted, “White Flour?” the clowns yelled back running in circles throwing flour in the air and raising separate letters which spelt “White Flour”.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s angrily shouted once more, “White flowers?” the clowns cheers and threw white flowers in the air and danced about merrily.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s tried once again in a doomed and somewhat funny attempt to clarify their message, “ohhhhhh!” the clowns yelled “Tight Shower!” and held a solar shower in the air and all tried to crowd under to get clean as per the Klan’s directions.

At this point several of the Nazi’s and Klan members began clutching their hearts as if they were about to have a heart attack. Their beady eyes bulged, and the veins in their tiny narrow foreheads beat in rage. One last time they screamed “White Power!”

The clown women thought they finally understood what the Klan was trying to say. “Ohhhhh…” the women clowns said. “Now we understand…”, “WIFE POWER!” they lifted the letters up in the air, grabbed the nearest male clowns and lifted them in their arms and ran about merrily chanting “WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER!”

This… THIS is AWXZUM WINx6!!!1! with a side of kittenz! This is how to deal with any type of socio-religio-political bullying: by laughing at them until their heads explode. It’s just like that one episode of Classic Trek, except with even cheezier costumes.

How’s this for tags?

[tags]Star Trek, Clowns, Nazzzis, Funny[/tags]

How NPR Improves Political Discourse

The back-and-forth between people of different political views in this country could stand some improvement, as currently it’s on the level of ad hominem “yer a wingnut/yer a moonbat” attacks. NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me!” news quiz consistently brings the funny LOLs when discussing political figures – sometimes with those actual politcal figures’ participation! Today’s show included a short segment to follow up on an important fact that came up in the wake of Karl Rove’s departure this week – Barney, the White House Scottish terrier, is not terribly well liked by staffers, who characterized him recently as “aloof and entitled.” Karl Rove dismissed the pooch as “a lump” in one of his many farewell interviews (which were thinly disguised attempts to get a few last lumps of his own in on Hilary Clinton).

Well, WWDTM decided to get to the heart of the matter and contacted a White House press secretary to set the record state regarding Barney:

The Swamp: White House defends ‘lil Barney in Rove-attack

WAIT, WAIT, DONT TELL ME! HOST PETER SAGAL: According to the New York Times, senior White House aides feel that the Scottish terror is “aloof and entitled.” Now, we did not think this slam at the presidential pet could go unanswered. So it is our pleasure to welcome Dana Perino, Deputy White House Secretary, to our show. Dana, welcome to Wait Wait.

DANA PERINO: Hi. Remind me why I agreed to do this.

MR. SAGAL: You know, I was hoping someone would have pushed the mute button while we had you on hold, but perhaps not.

MS. PERINO: No, I heard everything.

MR. SAGAL: Alright, well. Dana, so – and we know that you, unlike Mr. Rove, are still employed at the White House – and we ask you this: Is Barney, in fact a lump.

MS. PERINO: I wouldn’t call him a lump. Of course, you’re right, Karl is on his way out the door. Look, Barney’s kind of standoffish, but he’s got personality. He’s got a little bit of sass. You know, I don’t think – he doesn’t let people get too close to him.

MR. SAGAL: What does Barney think about Rove?

MS. PERINO: Well, I did see one thing last week when we were down in Texas. In fact it was actually more Ms. Beazley. They alternated from wanting to be petted by him to growling at him. So it was maybe a love/hate relationship.

KYRIE O’CONNOR: So Karl didn’t have to, like, carry the pooper-scooper or anything?

MS. PERINO: No, that job is reserved for other people. Like me.

MR. SAGAL: Really?

MS. PERINO: Well, I do deal with – I deal with the press a lot.

MR. SAGAL: I see. Well done! Well done, Ms. Perino. Dana Perino is, at least until her bosses hear this broadcast, the Deputy Press Secretary at the White House. Dana, thank you so much for joining us today.

MS. PERINO: Thank you, I love your show.

UPDATE: I just noticed that the transcript describes Barney as “the Scottish terror.” Wait! is that like Macbeth? AUGH! “Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! AAURGH!”

LOLcallz- If Cats Ran The Call Centers

I struggle to hit all the right notes on the “call center guidelines” we’re supposed to follow at work – this week and next week we’ll be in a big push to improve some of the “number of calls taken” stats and the “feedback” stats. It occured to me that it might be easier to remember the more obscure points that are important to cover in order to “score” well if I translated it into another dialect I’ve recently learned. This example call would score a perfect 100 if LOLcats were running the call center.

this-meeting-is-over.jpg

Halpz U
Thxu4callz r cmpnee, mai nam Mittunz whut urs?
Howz bai u tdy Mr Mans? Gud, I r fine how I cans halpz u?
Mr Mans, I r Mittenz, I r l33t kitteh, WANT does gud job 4 u nao.

Communikshun
Tunez – purrrrrrrrrr mao mao mao mao WANT
Confidinz – I can has cheezburgr 4 u 2zday. DONE
Clartee – WANT “Your order 12986, let me tell you it” DO NOT WANT ur nbr be wun 2 nigh ate secks”
Gud langwidges – WANT ZOMGBBQ! DONUT WANT WTF

Who R Mr Mans Whut He Watns?
UR L33t / UR not l33t
Whut? U sez WANT wun kitteh, no bukkit, hold lolrus? Kthx Mr Mans. Can do 4 u.

Whut Ellis WANT/DONUT WANT friz wid dat?
WANT flies and drives and napz
DONUT want smokz n bugz n noyz

WANT mai compnee halps u get mor stuff free u r 1 l33t dude
GOTZ cheeps 4 mai peeps, u donut has a moneys 2 waist
GOTZ ur speshul snakky-snax nom nom nom
GOTZ ur speshul l33t seet
HALPZ U not happy campr? mai bad! sry sry all better nao OK? OK!
Oh hai I fixed ur prollem, in ur rekkid fixin ur data. DONE

Kthxbais
WANT mor stuff we gotz lotz? Frys widdat 2 tyme?
Whutchagotz frum us Mr Mans, let me tell you it OK? OK!
Ware U at n ur Internets tubes? Your confirmation, let me send you it.
Halpz u mor laters?
Thxu4callz mai compnee, Mr Mans hav a 2 mice day
WANT “Kthxgudbai” ORE “Kthxuverramuchgudaffernun” DONUT WANT “Kbaibai”

Controlz
Oh hai U r under mai controlz… your WANTS, you will tell me them MR MANS
I mai sendz u another fone they halpz u mor bettah ther MR MANS? Kthxwunmomenplzhld I sendz u ther.
DO NOT WANT “…[crikkits]…”
WANT “Oh hai I r muttlytaxing, can has chatz 2 u wile in ur rekkid, makin ur tikket.”
DONUT WANT “Plzhld” [clik] …0/teh grrl frm Eekameema be walkkin…0/
WANT “Mr Mans I mai holdz U OK? OK thxu wun minnits plzthx” [clik] 0/…N wen she walkkin teh peeps be talkkin, say AH…0/

[tags]LOLcats, call center[/tags]