I struggle to hit all the right notes on the “call center guidelines” we’re supposed to follow at work – this week and next week we’ll be in a big push to improve some of the “number of calls taken” stats and the “feedback” stats. It occured to me that it might be easier to remember the more obscure points that are important to cover in order to “score” well if I translated it into another dialect I’ve recently learned. This example call would score a perfect 100 if LOLcats were running the call center.

Halpz U
Thxu4callz r cmpnee, mai nam Mittunz whut urs?
Howz bai u tdy Mr Mans? Gud, I r fine how I cans halpz u?
Mr Mans, I r Mittenz, I r l33t kitteh, WANT does gud job 4 u nao.

Communikshun
Tunez – purrrrrrrrrr mao mao mao mao WANT
Confidinz – I can has cheezburgr 4 u 2zday. DONE
Clartee – WANT “Your order 12986, let me tell you it” DO NOT WANT ur nbr be wun 2 nigh ate secks”
Gud langwidges – WANT ZOMGBBQ! DONUT WANT WTF

Who R Mr Mans Whut He Watns?
UR L33t / UR not l33t
Whut? U sez WANT wun kitteh, no bukkit, hold lolrus? Kthx Mr Mans. Can do 4 u.

Whut Ellis WANT/DONUT WANT friz wid dat?
WANT flies and drives and napz
DONUT want smokz n bugz n noyz
WANT mai compnee halps u get mor stuff free u r 1 l33t dude
GOTZ cheeps 4 mai peeps, u donut has a moneys 2 waist
GOTZ ur speshul snakky-snax nom nom nom
GOTZ ur speshul l33t seet
HALPZ U not happy campr? mai bad! sry sry all better nao OK? OK!
Oh hai I fixed ur prollem, in ur rekkid fixin ur data. DONE

Kthxbais
WANT mor stuff we gotz lotz? Frys widdat 2 tyme?
Whutchagotz frum us Mr Mans, let me tell you it OK? OK!
Ware U at n ur Internets tubes? Your confirmation, let me send you it.
Halpz u mor laters?
Thxu4callz mai compnee, Mr Mans hav a 2 mice day
WANT “Kthxgudbai” ORE “Kthxuverramuchgudaffernun” DONUT WANT “Kbaibai”

Controlz
Oh hai U r under mai controlz… your WANTS, you will tell me them MR MANS
I mai sendz u another fone they halpz u mor bettah ther MR MANS? Kthxwunmomenplzhld I sendz u ther.
DO NOT WANT “…[crikkits]…”
WANT “Oh hai I r muttlytaxing, can has chatz 2 u wile in ur rekkid, makin ur tikket.”
DONUT WANT “Plzhld” [clik] …0/teh grrl frm Eekameema be walkkin…0/
WANT “Mr Mans I mai holdz U OK? OK thxu wun minnits plzthx” [clik] 0/…N wen she walkkin teh peeps be talkkin, say AH…0/

[tags]LOLcats, call center[/tags]