Yeah, I’m still milking that Episode III “worst line” joke. Deal. 😉

In my job as a corporate travel deranger, I often have to listen to airline hold music and “infotainment.” In years past (and in another lifetime and job entirely) I used to have to call international and domestic airlines a LOT more often, and I got to be something of a connoisseur of the stuff you have to listen to while waiting to talk to someone at an airline.

I was reminded of this yesterday on my first day back at the office after vacation. Why? Because Southwest Airlines has the Most. Annoying. Hold. Infotainment. Evarrr.

See, when I call an airline, I’m usually multitasking. Working queues, looking at records, marking up namelists for hotel groups, doing things that I can’t do while actually talking to a traveller or arranger on the phone (at the moment I’m on hold talking to an arranger, for example. Can’t do anything much til she comes back).

But when calling an airline, I want to listen for a human voice without having to actually listen. And with Southwest, they have this attitude that they have to be funny har-har, when I’d much rather zone out and listen with half an ear (and less than half a brain).

I’ve only flown on Southwest once. I’ve heard that the inflight crew occasionally break into song or run games. Their hold infotainment is like that, but pretty lame.

The most annoying one is after several jokey announcements and a close-harmony jingle that ends “so let us entertain you on the pho-oooone.” There’s a short silence, forcing the hapless agent to prick up her ears and actually listen for the blessed release of a live human voice. Then a high-pitched, lisping, horribly cutesy-poo voice of Somebody’s Child comes on the line and says “Hi! [pause] What are you do-eeeng?”

Every time, every single damn time, I hear that “Hi!”, I take a breath and start to answer with my “talking to an airline” spiel. And I get faked out. GRRRRRrrrrr.

Among the more pleasant “hold me” experiences:

British Airways, with that iconic light-operatic soprano duet
Thai Airways, who had a mesmerizing New Age/Old Asia gong soundtrack
United Airlines: no matter what, faux Gershwin gets me right *here*

For the most part, all other US domestic airlines have mostly-forgettable hold music. Delta was so proud of their then-new German routes about 10 years ago that they sent out cassette tapes (that dates me!) with the German baroque music they used then to promote their product. I must still have it somewhere at home, kicking around in a box.

But to the person responsible for the annoying crap I have to listen to several times a week at Southwest: may you spend eternity on hold.