Hey! Amazing Race’s 8th season premieres tonight, and I’m really just very “meh” about it.

I’m going to attempt to blog about each family in real time, more or less. I can’t find handy little thumbnail pictures, due to CBS’ use of Flash on the TAR8 website, but I’ll try to make do.

The teams are:

Gaghan (oh, I sense a nickname coming on)
This family includes kids, and the daughter is a little too icky-poo cute for my admittedly unkidly taste.

Schroeder – featuring a hawt daughter and a really sullen looking son. They’re from Louisiana, and had a little trouble recently.

Aiello – dad and 3 adult sons-in-law. I like ’em, pre-race.

Rogers – their teenage kids are named, I kid you not, Brittney and Brock. Another Louisiana connection.

Black (the joke will be on everyone else)- of all the families with kids competing, this is the one I like best. I hope they do well.

Weaver – AAAH! Scary blond big-headed pod people smiling! AAAH!

Linz – either a family of adult children, or a frighteningly inbred cheerleading squad.

Bransen – yikes, these adult children and dad have a serious Crest White-Strips habit.

Paolo – Refreshingly normal and unglamorous. I like them, therefore they will probably be first out in what is now The Curse Of The Huckleberries.

Godlewski – Sisters, sisters. There were never such annoying sisters.

And so it begins

What? The first clue tells the ravening horde of family reality-star wannabes to drive to EMS and pick up camping gear? Oh, not good, Skippy.

Boy, this is some exciting racing. 10 families bickering about driving around aimlessly. The exciting music helps.

The screaming while finding their way onto the Brooklyn Bridge also helps.

Oy.

The Gag-mes aren’t as annoying as I thought they were.

The Aiellos are pretty cool and pulled a bonehead maneuver. Good for them.

Laughter between teams is good. “Hi, we’re looking for Soho?”

The nicknames are starting. The Pink Ladies, the Mommycakes, et cetera.

Whoa, those French manicures aren’t going to last long, ladies.

The Paolos are fighting and yelling and driving. “Mooom!”

We’re at Broadway. Darn, I linked the wrong EMS location. And we’re arriving at the store. It’s a shopping extravaganza.

Next clue will be at a hot dog stand, 90 blocks away. This is absolutely riveting. Watchout for the cross-town traffic! Hustle! Hustle! Who’s got the closest parking spooot? Omigod! Omigod! Sorry! We’re so excited!!!

Ugh.

I wonder if they had any problems with the kids shoplifting?

The Sisters team provides a lot of … pinkness. The Paolos are still bellyaching. And there’s the official first use of the word “Unbelieavable.”

Aw! the commercials have reruns of TAR1! I’d much rather watch Margarita’s awesome bunjy jump in Africa than this shit!

AW!!!! Another Serenity trailer! I can’t wait for the movie to open on the 30th! I love me some Browncoat sci-fi drammer. Damn. The commercial’s over. Time to watch this damn annoying Race show.

Hmm. Crest has a new whitening product out. Could it be… placement??

Oy.

Aaaand more driving. What is with these Paolos who sound like they’re local but can’t find their way around? Maybe they’re used to taking the subway?

And here comes Team Daddy-Daughters. Stop screaming! Stop knocking shit over in the store!

“The Weavers, they scream so loud. They knocked over a whole display.” Hey, they must be The Evil Weavers!

Yay! The Blacks found their way to the store!

Paolos: still wandering and yelling aimlessly.

Linz: annoying. “We are not followers.”

The Gagmes discuss “street art.” It’s graffiti, kid.

“Too bad we don’t have any handicapped children.”

Aiellos discuss how they’ve never been camping.

Only 70 more blocks to go.

They all seem to know each other’s last names, though. Man, those Weavers are still screaming!

The Blacks are just traveling around New York. It’s a teachable moment.

Paolos: sons screaming and heads exploding.

HEY, that’s TAR1’sKevin and Drew making with the hot dog stand heah!! YAAAAAY!! You guys so rock! 😉

Well, that’s about the only cool thing thus far, and we’re 28 minutes in.

Next: Cross the George Washington Bridge and drive to Washington Crossing. Wait, that’s not redundant is it?

Let’s see if the next family will have a clue about who the hot dog guys are: The Gaghan girl gets the dog and the clue, but is clueless.

And the next one, also unaware she’s interacted with TAR royalty.

Drew hands out another frank clue to one of the Godlewski sisters.

Aiello: the boys speculate that Dad will have a heart attack. Aw, I love Kevin and Drew.

Blond sisters make a favorable impression.

Screaming Weavers: meh

Rogers: that Brock kid is pretty funny. Hey, they at least recognized the Frats.

Meh, another bridge too far for this crappy premiere.

Gaghan: the daughter is zonking out already.

The Blacks get a frank.

The Paolos: last, but the son says “By the way, you guys were the best.” That was nice.

Aiellos: “Yankees suck. Yankees suck.”

Family pileup at various points to grab maps. UGH!!!! People praying aloud to the Lord on TV! EW.

“this is a real pain in my ass.” Boy, kid, you said it.

Aiello: first to the Crossing, and the cute historical rowboats. I think these 4 adult men have a little advantage. Next: Bransens. Oh, boy, another teaching moment with historical flag-folding.

Well, an actual racing moment: Daddy Daughter and Daddy-SILs are rowing and racing. And falling out of boats.

Not so good with the rowing, though. However, there’s time to respect the flag. Aaaand more falling in the water. They all start to row back with a George Washington clone holding the flag.

“Pink Ladies, where are you going?”

Un…beLIEVAble!

Okay, commercial break, thank God. I wonder if that Geena Davis show is any good? I might watch that next week.

Ah, Ty Pennington on a riding mower. Did he lose his license or something? I’d still rather see Carter Oosterhouse shirtless. Welcome, Googlers!

Dyson Vacuum Cleaners. Only one thing sucks more than they do.

And there is a reason I do not watch Dr. Phil. He puts screaming children on and then berates their parents. Oh, so not entertaining.

Okay, back. Aiellos have figured out rowing. Daddy-daughters are still working on it.

Rogerses arrive next.

Screamin’ Weavers.

Gaghan: kid says “I’m doin’ it.” Dude, this isn’t a Roadblock, you don’t have to declare.

Next: 34 miles to Philly to Fairmont Park for some fun CAMPING!!! Teams must set up their tents fast to get the earliest departure time! This is way better than digging in the sand on some exotic beach in another country. Boy, Daddy sure reads clues slow.

Shroeders: the edgy family with the competitive Steroid dad and the kind of hawt Brock son.

Rogers: Oops, not fair swimming instead of rowing.

And we’re paddling while amusing fife and drum music plays. The Gaghan son chants “stroke, stroke.”

Rogers in third. Screamin’ Weavers in fourth. Stop chewing on your hair, Weaver girl.

heh, the Gaghan boy keeps chanting on the way back, too.

Hmm. Schroeders fell back a little. Not so much with the navigating.

Oh, here come the Blacks! They’re not so much with the navigating, either. “Oh, geez, those kind of paddles.” The guy tells them not to lose the General after a short lesson.

Hmm. the Linzes are still behind. So are the Paolos.

Hmm, the Blacks are not so much with the rowing, either. “Austin! Stop playing!” “I caaaaan’t.” Aw, crap, the first whine. However, it was Austin that spotted the clue box as Dad was driving by.

The Pink Ladies decide on their strategy: “Panic.”

Meh. Commercials. Ghost Whisperer. Meh.

Man, these Blacks are just not paddling hard enough. Go, Team Black!

Aiellos: first to the campsite. Eagle Scouts watch with eagle eyes.

Screaming Weavers: scream.

Gaghans arrive.

Bransen: “How did the little kids beat us?”

Aiello and Weaver: 10:00 am.

Gaghan: 10:00 am.

Bransen: 10:30 am

Blacks are 7th to leave the Delaware River.

Pink Ladies caught them and almost passed them.

Linzes finally arrive at the river. “Andale! Andale! Arriba Arriba!”

Paolos: can’t get to the marker from the parking lot.

Linzes head away from the river.

Paolos: begin rowing and yelling.

Hmm, at the campsite Brock offers to help someone else.

Mingling begins. Schroeders attempt tentage and get 10:30am.

Paolos leave THE CLUE BEHIND at the river, complete with the Zing! of brushed piano strings that means OH SHIT. And they go north instead of south on 95. Dad just keeps driving. Mom starts looking frantically for the clue.

Un-FRIGGING-believable.

Commercial: OOOOO! Preview for CSI:NY!

And. Paolo recriminations begin. We go back. No we don’t! We don’t need the clue. Oh, yes you do.

The Blacks: welcome to the camping neighborhood! Let me help you!

Pink Ladies arrive and offer chocolate chip cookies for all the help. Gee, this is a helpful bunch. 11:00 am

Linzes: 11:00 next to last.

Paolo: 11:00 departure, but NO CLUE?

Next morning, it’s raining. Oh, it’s fun to camp in the rain.

The first group jumps back in their FREAKIN CARS. Drive 92 to Mountjoy, PA to the Brubaker family farm. And the Widow family starts out with another Jebus prayer.

I kind of like the little Gaghan boy. He’s like a mini Drew.

Uh, oh, I think Brock thinks the Schroeder girl with the black hair is cute. Mack!

Speaking of Mack, a Linz boy macks on an older Pink Lady. Arrrump!

Ah, the Amish country. We’re going to be dealing with the elements of life.

Weavers: Detour. Build it, or buggy it.

Aiello: They’re gonna buggy like the Screamin’ Weavers.

Gaghans: they have little kids. Will they buggy? The kids can ride, yep. Yah! Moo!

OOOPS! Buggy crash! Accident! Screaming Weavers screaming! Uh, oh, it ran right over the girl pulling it, due to the downhill.

Commercial: “It’s time to pull over when our children start screaming. Mommy, I have to go potty. She needs a diaper change. Got product placement?”

Ooooh! Wallace and Gromit!

Meh, the show’s almost back on.

Ooooh! CSI preview… in a Chinese laundry?

Man, I wish Kevin and Drew would come back. I wonder if this edition will drop in on previous Racers all along the route? I’m somewhat spoiled for this one, because remember? I just don’t care who wins this crapfest. I hear they had to stop taking bets on it because of an unusual number of bets from one family’s home town. So, yeah the outcome is probably already known.

Okay, we’re back. Let’s scream and crash again. The brake did not work, the Screamers scream. This is the family that lost their dad, remember. They totally busted up the buggy and are crying on camera, except for Mom. She’s strong.

And the Weavers abandon the buggy and go for the build, because it’s busted.

Godlewskis navigated to Mountjoy alright.

Paolos are dealing with ants in the pants.

Man, I cannot keep the damn families straight.

Weavers appear to complete the build.

Pinkies: “Our first Detour!”

Oh. Linz brother farted in the close confines of the buggy. Nice one, man.

“She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes.” Man, them Gaghan kids can also be annoying. Heh. In a funny way.

And here come the Blacks! Once again, the kids spot the cluebox first. They decide to build.

Gaghans: make the turn and now it’s downhill. Oh gosh! Goats! “Mom, Dad, I’m wicked proud of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t contribute.” His sister says “Get used to it, dork.” Heh. I think they’ve actually contributed very well, surprising the hell out of me. And the kid sings a mean “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain,” too. One of the Aiello boys threw up his hands in disgust as they were passed.

And the Schroeders and Rogerses pull up.

Paolos are last to arrive. Again. The inevitability of it all.

“It’s the Jersey team!”

The Paolos decide they aren’t physical enough to buggy.

The Linzes are pooped out. All that farting around, you know.

Commercial. Oh, my God, there’s still 30 minutes to go in this interminable crawl to the Pit Stop. Man, this sucks. I bet the people on TWOP are hissing even now.

Yep, they are, and they’re hoping Kevin and Drew show up in every episode. As do I, now that I think of it. That would be this season’s only redeeming feature.

Man. Pretty soon heah I have to press “play” and get through the next 30 minutes. Man. I… think I’ll take a short break.

Okay, Sprite in hand and newly refreshed, I’m ready to soldier on. And yes, I’m wearing my Amazing Race “Bomp!” T-shirt. But my heart’s mostly not.

Linzes: outta gas because they pushed too hard up the hill in the buggy.

Weavers: finally ready to test their little water wheel. Drive yourselves 17 miles to the Pit Stop! The Rohrer Family Farm! Aw, Mennonites are cool people.

And: several families hammer away. Ma, gimme the nails. Please! Dad! Get outta there!

Gaghans buggy: leave third.

Daddy Daughter: finish, but head away in the wrong direction.

Linzes: finally finish hauling 400 pounds of guy around.

Aw, the farting Linz brother now stops for a puke break. It’s the heat and humidity.

Weavers: freaking out on the way to the Pit Stop.

Godlewskis: also having a navi-freakout. No! yes! Go left, Karen!

Gaghans: congratulate themselves while on the road.

Everyone looks for the new blue silos.

Weavers: please, in Jebus name, eliminate these people.

Godlewskis: putting on lipstick for the mat. Ah! They’re in first!
Man, that’s a lot of screaming and 20,000 fucking bucks!!! Phil looks good and chats with them.

Gaghans: Aw! they know they’re not first. They’re racing for the parking lot with the Jebus Weavers. Come on, people, this is for SECOND and THIRD.

Wow, the Gaghans pull off a race to the mat for second. That little girl is fast! Well, they are road racers, all of them.

Weavers are… okay with being third.

Aiellos: logically, they are looking for a farm, in farm country.

Daddydaughters: Lost.

Schroeders: done with the mill.

Blacks: struggling.

Paolos: hammering on the water mill and each other.

Schroeders: panicking because THERE ARE NO BOLTS!!! Panic. Hammer. Wheel is stuck, they cannot complete, so they are about to freak some more. The dad is freaking out the most and trying to muscle things into place, which is never good on a “put something together” task.

Commercial break. OOOOhhhh! TAR1 DVD ad!

Oooooooh! Harry Potter (what, the 4th movie? The one with the Goblet of Fire. The special effects look very cool.)

You may have noticed that I am easily charmed and amused, and just as easily annoyed and bored. This is a curse which I have bourne all my life. However, at least if I’m hating something, it won’t be long before something I love comes along to make me forget.

Mmm, a nice ad for the reruns of previous seasons of TAR that run on the Game Show Network. Nice quick cuts, great shots from many seasons that make you feel like this is an exciting show about, oh, traveling the world, and the music is a robust choral “O Fortuna” from “Carmina Burana.” Nice job, Amazing Editors-who-probably-worked on this for GSN.

Anyway, time to press play. David wants to watch something else already.

Okay, down to the final fifteen minutes. Who’s losin?

Schroeders leave in seventh.
Paolos: bicker. Wheel turns when water is applied. Leave in eighth. Mom starts yelling at the boys, she’s had it and she breaks down crying.
Blacks: very, very slowly they put the best damn mill together.
Linzes: STILL with the buggy hauling!

Pit Stop:
Rogerses: team number four. Brock looks hawt.
Schroeders: team number FIVE. They’re overjoyed.
Paolos: ready to kill the mamma and leave her body under a haystack. Oh, my GOD they’re sixth! And they all hug Phil and decide they’re okay.

Bransens (daddy daughters): team number seven.
Aiellos: team number eight. Dad is trailing, he can’t even trot.
Blacks: the water wheel spins. Man, the Linzes are still buggyhauling.

Both teams, knowing they’re last, wish each other luck.

Now it’s down to the navigating and trying to pass.

The Blacks don’t know what “silos” are. Oh, dear. The kids spot them anyway. Race to the mat. Who is first?

It’s the Linzes. They are team number nine.

And it’s the Blacks coming in last. Which is actually too bad, because they were nice and the kids were okay. But really, they were very, very, very slow at every task, and they only had one strong member, the father.

Tears at the mat. What nice kids. Disappointing for them. But the physical tasks, even the easy ones, killed them. And that water mill… well, it would have gone better if they hadn’t treated it like a family “fun project” with all the coaching and encouragement.

The other little-kid family, the Gaghans? Well, don’t count them out. They did fine on all their tasks, because all four of them are fit and fast for their size.

Next week: Paolos yelling at each other. Daddy can’t keep up with Daughters. And everyone gets to haul wounded soldiers off of a Civil War battlefield during a really big re-enactment. That must have been a lot of confidentiality waivers.

And that’s it for this long-ass post. Meh.