Here is a brilliantly insightful analysis of the past two weeks’ worth of breaking, world-shaking news; I can’t bear to cut a single word:
TERRI SCHIAVO IS DYING! HER TUBE’S BEEN REMOVED, FOR GODSSAKES! THE SCHINDLERS ARE UPSET! HERE THEY ARE, BEING UPSET! MORE ON THAT IN A MINUTE! ALSO, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT MICHAEL SCHIAVO? WHY DOES HE WANT HER TO DIE!!!?? the US military killed a couple dozen of its prisoners in Iraq, by the way, and – OHMYGOD – MICHAEL JACKSON’S WEARING PAJAMAS!! THE MAN’S WEARING PAJAMAS TO COURT! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SUCH A THING? WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING? MEANWHILE, TERRI SCHIAVO’S PARENTS ARE STILL PRETTY UPSET, AND WE’RE GONNA TALK TO A WORLD RENOWNED PHRENOLOGIST WHO SAYS SHE’S AS CONSCIOUS AS YOU AND ME! STAY TUNED!
WE’RE BACK, AND TERRI’S NOT GONNA LAST MUCH LONGER! some Native America kid just shot up a school. Lotsa dead Indians – OH MAN! TERRI’S PARENTS ARE APPEALING THE DECISION! MAYBE SHE’LL LIVE! YOU KNOW, IT’S REALLY GREAT THAT WE’RE HELPING AMERICA GET A DIALOG GOING ABOUT END OF LIFE ISSUES! NOT TO TOOT OUR OWN HORN, BUT… WHOA! APPEAL DENIED – WOULDJA LOOK AT THAT? WE’LL HAVE OUR LEGAL CONSULTANT IN HERE SOON TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT THE ISSUE THAT THE COURTS HAVE BASED THEIR DECISIONS ON, BECAUSE THAT’S KIND OF BORING! BUT WAIT – MICHAEL JACKSON WAS LATE TO COURT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME HE BROUGHT A DOCTOR WITH HIM!! IS THAT GUY NUTS OR WHAT? A bomb killed a bunch of people in Beirut, and 4 American soldiers got blown up by a mine in Afghanistan AND RANDALL TERRY SAYS MICHAEL SCHIAVO’S A MURDERING ADULTERER!! WHOA!! WHAT’S MICHAEL SCHIAVO’S RESPONSE? NOTHING! UNLIKE TERRI’S PARENTS, HE WON’T TALK TO US, SO MAYBE SOMETHING’S UP WITH THAT!! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
huh. a commission says that all our pre-war intelligence was ridiculous poppycock. imagine that. THE POPE’S DYING!! PROBABLY FOR REAL THIS TIME!! IS IT CONNECTED TO TERRI SCHIAVO? SOME PEOPLE SAY “YES!” IT’S AT LEAST IRONIC, IT BEING KIND OF EASTER AND ALL!! WILL EITHER OF THEM PULL THROUGH!?!? the price of oil is approaching 60 bucks a barrel – TERRI TERRI TERRI POPE POPE TERRI TERRI!!!!! TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR TERRI SCHIAVO!! A PRIZE-WINNING PRESTIDIGITATOR SAYS SHE’S ACTUALLY FULLY AWARE AND WORKING ON HER PHD!!! BACK TO THE COURTS!! SPEAKING OF COURTS, MICHAEL JACKSON’S ACCUSER’S BROTHER SAYS HE SAW IT ALL!! BUT IS THE LYING SUMNABITCH CREDIBLE OR IS THE PERV INNOCENT? the US is selling fighter planes to a muslim military dictatorship (so’s China). India’s being a bunch of soreheads about it and – JESUS CHRIST IT LOOKS LIKE TERRI’S ON HER LAST LEGS!! Y’KNOW, SHE WAS SENSITIVE ABOUT HER APPEARANCE SO SHE’D PROBABLY HATE ALL THIS COVERAGE!! WE’RE GONNA TALK TO A NOBEL PRIZE NOMINATED PLUMBER WHO SAYS THAT TERRI JUST NEEDS AN OIL CHANGE!! BUT –
SHE’S DEAD! TERRI’S DEAD! AND THE POPE’S DEAD TOO!! OH MY GOD, WHO SAW THAT COMING!? NOT US! insurgents launched a couple of assaults on Abu Ghraib prison, killing and injuring dozens, and this might be related to that ‘US killed a lot of prisoners’ thingie – OH SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY, TERRI’S STILL DEAD, THE POPE’S DEAD, AND MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKS LIKE HE’S NOT EATING!!! TIME TO CHOOSE A NEW POPE, BUT FIRST THERE’S A GIANT FUNERAL AND A SILVER HAMMER AND WHAT WOULD TERRI THINK ABOUT ALL THIS!!?? WE’LL TALK TO A WELL-RESPECTED CHRISTIAN UNICYCLIST WHO SAYS THAT TERRI’S DEATH PROVES THAT WE NEED A NATIONAL ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE AMENDMENT, AFTER THESE MESSAGES…
Absolutely effing brilliant analysis. Yes, yes, serious issues all. But this is brilliant. And yes, I’ve been caught up in it.
I’ve been watching the live webcast via CBS News off and on for a couple of days. Currently it’s just after midnight in Rome, and people are still streaming in the doors of St Peter’s Basilica and past the bier where the body of Pope John Paul II lies in state. The plans are to leave the church open all night except for a 3 hours’ cleaning, so that as many people as possible can pay their respects. The line is moving fairly briskly, it’s about 8 or 10 people across, and it’s probably at least a mile long or more, because there appears to be no end in sight.
Ironic that the two people in the “TERRI TERRI TERRI POPE POPE TERRI TERRI!!!!!” stories had such different experiences – one lingered for 15 years, and one had a peaceful and reportedly quite lucid death. Apparently there was no living will for the Pope, either – but he had the option of insisting on going home to die (albeit with what amounted to an entire ICU suite set up in his private aparments).
Sad. But I’m glad for them both that it’s over.
Oh – and “Michael Jackson for Pope! He’s got the threads, he’s got the moves, and he’s got the legal counsel!”